I wish you were the one I’d be able to spend the rest of my life with, I wish you held to the things you promised me, I wish everything about this were different. It sounds cliche and I realize it’s just another story that everyone tells about someone from their past but it never gets out of my head. I’m spending time with another man and he’s everything every girl would want a man to bring into their life but he’s not you. I distance myself from him so much because all I see when he turns to give me a kiss is the way you used to kiss me. I miss you in my bed, I miss the comfort of calling you after work, I miss the smile you gave me after we hiked that mountain and said “god, I love you so much”. There are so many moments I want to let go of so badly but can’t. I can’t say goodbye to you still. I get so nostalgic, trying to commit myself to another person still feels unfaithful although I also feel that you were never mine. I don’t understand how you had romantic relations with another woman and still promised me I was the only one for you. I don’t understand how you could search my body for bruises and accuse me of betraying you when it was you that was unfaithful. I hate you with every fiber, the thought of how much you hurt me makes my skin crawl and yet the absence of you on my skin makes me feel naked. I hate you for never making it up to me. I hate that you didn’t find me worthy enough to commit to, to give up your aggression and show me I was worth it. I hate that you couldn’t be vulnerable to me and show me love even at your lowest. I hate that even now, months later, in the safety of another mans arms you’d walk in my front door and tell me we belonged together. I wish you would put yourself in a place that you’d give everything you had to me to show me nothing mattered more than fixing how much you ruined me. But with every day that goes by and you’re not here I know I deserve more. I know another man will fit into my bruises and understand compassionately. I just wish it were you. I wish you wanted to know me. You made fun of me for how independent I put myself off but you’re the very reason I am the way I am. I depended on you for my happiness and you always let me down. You are why I maintain an independent exterior but I wish you were the reason I gave that front up. I miss you everyday and I want to tell you this but I know it’ll never give me relief. You’ll never open your arms and tell me everything’s okay.